Feeling great as a mummy

Wow been awhile again since I updated this blog. 

Been thinking of this post for awhile. It's been at the back of my mind, just did not have time to post and think through how I want to write it. 

Anyways enough blab. 

Being a mummy for 18 months, I think I have done well so far. I sacrificed NO I think I should say I put aside many other things for this lil toot. 

One thing for sure not giving him access to any devices definitely makes him a happier boy. Less aggression and actually involved with people and things around.

Many school of thoughts when come to devices. Some said a little bit of TV is alright. Some said I am being overtly paranoid. Some said I am delaying his learning abilities. 

I like to think I am developing his love for all things around him. I am filled with joy and definitely PROUD, whenever I see him engaging with people shouting out words from around him. 

Yes it's true I doubt myself. But hey I think teaching a toddler is trial and error. No one is right and no one is wrong. As long the kiddo is growing right and is healthy there is really nothing much I can ask for. 

As a new mummy, everyday i will ask the same questions to Girlie- 

1) how is boy today?

2) did he poopoo?

3) did he eat his lunch & dinner? 

4) did he go playground? 

5) who did he play with?

6) did he push anyone?

It's such an amazing daily entertainment to watch him grow so very fast. Though he ain't a Michelin baby but he outgrows his clothes pretty fast, plus he got his parents tall and dark genes. 

Everyday I thank God for his immense provision for us and for Emmanuel. His hand of protection on all of us. Thank you Jesus and pls continue to guide me on teaching E godly values. 

And yes pat on my shoulder I think I did good with Emmanuel. 

My lil toot is 14.5months liao

Omg so fast. Last year this time it was horrible coping with a newborn. & now it's actually another different set of challenges. 

This boy was so tame and mild younger but as he grow older you can see his character forming. He is getting cheeky by the day and testing my boundaries each passing day. 

Constantly I reminded myself to be patient but it is so tough. I have to pinch myself at times. 

Now that he is a year liao, people start asking me the dreaded question again...WHEN IS YOUR NUMBER 2???

gosh why is there no end? Why do people keep asking such questions... 

My heart tells me I want another baby but I dunno if my mind is ready to go through the whole process again. Pregnant I can deal but postpartum I can't deal. 

Anyways will see how it goes. Suddenly left right center everyone is pregnant- Janice is pregnant with 2nd one (a boy); Loreal Janice just give birth to a girl- Daniella Jude Leong; Shermaine gave birth to boy - Hayden;Hoonie had a girl too - Sarah; bliss gave birth to a boy- shaylon 

Let's see if #2 do come else am quite happy with lil E. 

The day our founding father passed away - 23 Mar 2015

23 mar was supposed to be a happy day coz it is my birthday. 

This morning I woke up to news that LKY had passed away. Disbelief set in though been mentally prepared for this for the past week when news broke that he is not recovering from pneumonia. 

Throughout the day my fb newsfeed were filled with his tributes and news. Singapore will be mourning for 7 days. 

I don't want to write fancy tributes but I just want to blog this down as a mark of respect for this guy who gave so much for  a small lil red dot. 

One verse from George YEO was especially poignant- 'look all around you'. Think that pretty sum up how I feel. This is not goodbye but it is actually seeing him around. His legacy is all around us. We would not be here today to enjoy the fruits of his labour. 

Thanks again mr lee Kuan yew- you amazing man. See you around. RIP your soul and may you be reunited with your ❤️. 

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Wow so fast we are reaching end of 2014. Last year this time I thought the year can never be better. But this year been just a blast. 

Of coz no prizes for guessing why!! Our lil bundle of joy- Emmanuel. 

He is indeed our pride and joy. I can finally understand why having a kid beats having a dog. Nothing can beat having children. I mean even with one I can't believe I can have so much love for this lil human being I call SON. 

And to think I din wanna have baby. I mean I don't even mind a 2nd one to be honest. But let's save that for a later blog. 

So been another month of happiness. As you can see from the pics. Am so happy he is not turning out to be this huge ass 10pound baby. Though sometimes I wish he was but hey he got slim parents. 

Indeed he is the love of my life... It's like he can get on my nerves than next moment he can melt me with his dazzling smiles. 

K Enough gushing... Till next month. Lil e be turning ONE. Omg....

Merry Xmas to whoever is reading this.... Muakzzz 

yet again the forgotten blog.. my meandering thoughts

Wow so fast. 8 months kind of zoom past in a blink of an eye. Lil e is seriously like too cute. He never fails to lift my spirits up and make me the happiest mummy.

After lil E burst into our lives i can say parenthood sure ain't ez. Try juggling being a mum, a wife and a worker. I swear its just got tougher.  While taking of Lil E got easier life as a wife got tougher.

How do i evolve and grow? How can i be more sensitive to mr V needs? Been reading so much mummy blogs to get some perspective but nothing came up. I feel like machiem everything changed. I am more sensitive and v seems to be less vocal and expressive. I dunno what happened. Seems like we just stop listening to each other.

I felt it was like after lil E is out, our marriage broke down. There seem to be an invisible wall between us. I even suggested marriage counseling coz i felt he can't listen to me and i can't change my sensitive nature.

Haiz...will take it one step at a time. Am going for a lil staycation with lil E. So hopefully that will bring us closer ....

K time to work...sianzzzzz

Life sucks except when i am with lil E.😁

Omg time flies...almost 6 months mark

Wow...so fast my lil toot turning 6 months...so fast. 

It had been an amazing journey thus far. Some odd days I am still in disbelief I am actually a mum. Sometimes in the night I will stare at him in awe. 

We are indeed blessed this lil toot is fairly good baby hitting all e right milestones. He is also such a brave boy who can withstand his jabs with gusto. 

Emotionally am not soooooo depressed though again odd times I do feel depressed. But it is better managed, think coz partly I am almost full time at work. I actually have adult conversations and using my brain other than just being a cow. 

Past 2 weeks due to the pampers account that I am taking care, I had been following some mummy bloggers. And seeing each of the mummy bloggers having 2 or more kids made me actually long to have a 2nd one. Seeing the sibling love is something that I always adore. Whenever I hear or read about sibling love...I always go awww. Think coz during my own childhood, i don't recall such love from my elder sis and bro. Guess mainly it's the age gap too. Anyways just open lah but hey who am I kidding. Not like its super easy pregnant. 

Coz of lil E ...we hardly spend much quality time together alone. Half the time we are fussing with E or busy with work. Think work is quite pressuring for mr V. He said so far first half of 2014, it had been a slow start. So much so his boss had to stop cash card claims. So must be quite bad. 

Some piccies

It REALLY only gets better

Coming to 5 months already. Wow time flies. See how much this lil tot is growing. So very cute and adorable. I swear he is like the cutest baby. Honest!!!

Many milestones these past weeks, he can flip, he laughs out loud, he can recognize things, he luvs talking, he is sleeping more especially at night (sometimes thru the night), and the best part is how we are moving him out of our room.

Ok we had removed him from our bed. That's a good start I thought. So he will zzz in his own playpen. Then slowly am going to ease him to his own so papa n mama can have our own bed back. 

So yay to all these milestones. Bb Emmanuel I love you...papa luvs you and so does Jesus. 

WHAT!! 4 months already??

Can't believe it had been 4 months already. Look at this cheeky fellow. 

Never thought I would say this, I love this lil toot soooooo very much. He drives me crazy and yet when he smiles, I just melt & ready to give in to ALL his demands. 

I really wanna thank God for always being there for me and pouring his favour on our Emmanuel. I thank him for blessing us with this cute boy and answering my prayers, some very strange prayers. 

You see before I was pregnant, one of the reason for not having kids was what if the child is a ugly bb. Coz it's true, there exist ugly babies. So anyway when I was pregnant, I remember praying fervently to Jesus to bless me with the following: 

......a cute baby, A baby with hair, a strong baby, a healthy baby, a baby free from allergies, a baby that is tall like daddy, a baby that is good looking like mummy, a god-fearing baby, a good natured baby, a baby that is easy to take care, a baby blessed with loads of breastmilk.... Think that's about it. 

Past 4 months had its ups and downs, but I can only say it will definitely get better. Lil E is soooooo very cute now and he responds to everything. I totally love him.

He was such a strong boy when he went for his jab. And I really thank God for blessing him. Continue to lay hands do protection over our boy for all his subsequent jabs. 

K just wanna thank Him for always being the best God to our family and that he continues his care and protection over us. amen. 

Memories of an old flame

Been wanting to tell someone about this but realized it may seem super lame if I were to just bring this up. Plus I no longer keep in touch with those people to get some response. 

Anyway....quick recap. During my OUB wild days, I was introduced to this cute dude called Rannie. He was all I ever wanted back then- cute, wear specs, strong, rich, very romantic (he writes poems, who does that nowadays). Anyway, we went out a few times and he wanted us to be serious. But back then timing sucks coz I was leaving for Perth where "exciting & unknown adventure looms" so I rejected him. The whole saga lasted say 3 months before I got whisked off to Perth. In short I had to literally reject him. I told him I did not believe in LDR (due to past experiences) & it is not fair to him to just wait for me (he did want to wait for me). I had very good memories of him, and we did meet a few times post Perth and all. & perhaps there are lingering feelings but we never really acknowledge anymore since by then I was with my ah chek- V. To me, Rannie was the guy that got away. 

Back to why I am blogging about this. So when I was at mount alvernia, I posted how I was there. Guess what apparently he is there with his wife who also just gave birth and we are probably 1 ward away. He fb-message me that he may pop by to visit me. I just said sure but thought he probably won't drop by. To my surprise, he came. Once I was breastfeeding, so V told him to come back again & he left his number behind. I called and next thing he was in my room. I must have looked super chui but heck lah.

We made small talk and V was there too. And I never went into details of who Rannie is and our relationship. Just told V we were old frens from OUB DAYS. It's all very surreal to be seeing him n how coincidence that our kids are born same day. Haha...he is still the same ...very laid back, chill out dude. We were sharing parenting tips n he jus said spontaneity is good. 

Before I end. Here is a pic of him with his daughter- Rebekah. 

K signing off. 

Coming to terms - motherhood

Lil Emmanuel is 2 months and 1 week .....Gosh time flies. I was just remembering how he was swimming in my tummy and tadaa now this lil toot is finally out. And YES OMG I am a mother. How weird is that?

One can never be prepared for motherhood. Seriously. If you think by playing with other people children makes your motherly instincts pop out, you are wrong. I was never ready to be a mum, but I reckon I can't be saying that till I am 50. When lil E came out, I was not prepared to be bombarded with all the emotions, the constant need to be perfect be it for myself or for Emmanuel. I thought I had it in control, let things go. But NO I can't, lil things bug me like milk not measured correctly, helper saying boy cries all the time.... Haiz....too many to list. 

There were times (usually when E cries) where I blamed V for it. Like coz he was the one that was like dying to have a kid and I saw myself as being the vessel for it. Now that E is out, V should be taking care of him instead of me being cooped up at home 24/7. Of coz those times quickly disappeared when lil E give me his million dollar smile or when he responds to me when I soothe him.

Yeah so motherhood...it is really a bittersweet experience. And it's for life. I can't say I wanna quit, nor can I say I had enough. I don't know how some frens did it but I salute them even though I am a mummy now. 

Of coz I feel guilty at times whenever I feel frustrated or developed resentful thoughts. I think my mr V had really put in 101% effort towards caring for me & lil E. And who knows if he also got depression (from serious lack of zzz plus he needs to work)? At times when I had my emotional outbursts, he counseled me and pray with me to sort my negative thoughts out. Or when I am tired, he will take the night shifts even if it means lack of zzz plus next day have to work. My husband is amazing...and I do feel so lucky. 

K that's it. It's 4am and zzz is overcoming me and lil E's feeding time approaches. I have lost my sense of time. Each day and night sama sama...ciaoz

Some recent photos to capture the moments....

Omg it's been a month

Wow ....our Lil E is a month old. Time flies.

Just a month ago today I was just experiencing the water leakage and about to give birth. Now he is here and we just celebrated his one month old yesterday at VNA ROM venue- my sis function room. That's right, back where we all started the commitment to each other. 

Thru out the month, I had my ups and downs. While I tried to accommodate and bear the gross rich food, there are times when V pushes me to learn from aunty that made me had my meltdowns. And especially so when my CL had to leave suddenly and I was left alone with Ely and lil E. Suddenly I had to be the mother and perform my duties. I felt thrown into the deep end, and especially so when he cries. Grappling with the unknown is so scary, i felt helpless and no control of the outcome.

It got so bad that I actually crave pumping milk time coz that's like an escape for me. Think I was almost slipping into PND. Then Mr V gave me a lot of encouragement to get me to think positive. And of coz seeing this lil toot growing everyday with my breastmilk also encourages me a lot. 

Think I have to come to terms that this is for life. No more thinking about my own time or say I wanna quit this job. Whether I like it or not, lil E is here to stay and for us to shower him with love.

CL is back for a week and this precious week is for us to learn all that we can from her ...build our confidence and then the real test will begin Friday onwards. Then mr V got to leave us to go Korea for a week. So all 3 of us are gonna head over to my mum's for awhile. Least someone is there.....  

Still can't believe I am a mummy and this cutie boy is mine!!! Thank God for hearing our prayers and blessed us this beautiful and strong boy- Emmanuel Ng. 

 

Week 2 +1 day......so fast...and so lil E grows

A thank you card for our gynae who had been with us thru out this long journey from my cysts to the arrival of lil E... 

It's like omg I can't get enough of this lil fella that was cut and popped out of my stomach. Will try to take a pic of my scar when I am less scared of it. Right now I think the wound is numb from all the meds, plus fats. 

CNY came and gone. And it was a simple CNY with V & E, plus confinement lady And Ely. We had simple food and was able to welcome CNY without the usual big fan fare.... 

Confinement is so far bearable. Thankful for helper and a good confinement lady. Must take a picture when finish the 28 days. Thankful also for abundance milk supply for my lil E & may it continue to flow abundantly for him. 

Emotionally I think sometimes I still get sensitive and tears just flow down. I think I have to manage that bit more...and mr V been pressing me to be more hands on with lil E. So much stress.......hmm... Oh well....that's all the rant now....till laters....

The angelic pose and face....I am so in love with him already....

@ wk 37 & out comes lil Emmanuel. 黄俊义...17012014

Been a week since lil E came into our lives. Nothing can quite prepare you for the motherhood journey. A mother's love is the most amazing thing in the world. I guess after 5 years of just VNA, having a lil one joining us is quite a daunting experience.

I thought I should document the birth process in case I forget in future. And also for the purpose of telling lil Emmanuel on how he was born. It all started on the Tuesday where we visit Dr Fong to address the low lying placenta and see what are our birthing options. We still were hopeful that placenta can still move 2cm from wk 36 to wk 37. But dr Fong said why don't we make a tentative booking for csec first on 22 jan? So it was a wake up call that lil E is indeed coming and we are nearing the end to welcome him with us. 

So by then I was already prepared to work from home and my last day in office was 10 Jan. All work been delegated out. On Thursday nite 16 Jan, I noticed wet patches with lil pinkness on my disposable undie. But it was in very small quantity, and there was no contractions. V also noticed and ask me to monitor and call dr Fong first thing in the morning. So next morning I called dr Fong and he said to go mount Alvernia to get it checked and monitored. 

Waited for mr V to come back from office and off we go to mount A. Once there it was very fast, they wheeled me into the delivery ward to get me hooked up to fetal heartbeat machine.....v was there to do the paperwork...and I was just allocated a lil corner bed to lie down...I was like feeling omg is this it...is it today? Is it not on 22 jan?? I kept asking my tummy...how? Then nurse came in and explained they are seeing contractions. So I was like are you sure??? So we have to continue to wait dr Fong will only be coming around evening time. 

So by about 5ish,dr Fong finally made his appearance and he looked at the reports and all my signs and decided yes guy it will be tonight we deliver the lil one. As I had low placenta, dr Fong don't want me to go into labour so we needed to go for full GA delivery rather than an epidural csec. And of coz he needed to prepare blood in case of emergency blood transfusion due to excessive bleeding. Wow so immediately no more food and the waiting begins. Am scheduled for 10pm delivery, so by 930pm they wheeled me in to prep. All these while, I kept feeling if lil E was still moving inside me...was worried of potential complications. After a while I decided to say a quick prayer and leave it onto Him. 

By 10pm I was in the operating theatre table just waiting for the anesthetician to provide my dosage... And then by the time around 1020pm, she came spoke to me and say ok let's get ready to see your lil one. Who knows the moment I KO, the next moment I remember vaguely in between waking up and feeling really cold. Then I remember the nurse asking which room and me telling them it's room 361....lol

Next moment I remember asking to see lil Emmanuel and there he was lying in the lil cot awake and moving. That moment was amazing. I was in awe and full of love for this lil fellow that just appeared before me. 

And that is me documenting the birthing process of lil Emmanual 黄俊义- our first born....

From ...12 January above .....

To....17 January 2014.... 

At wk 36...last few weeks..omg

Wow...time really flies... It seems like only yesterday I saw the 2 lines on THE STICK!! and now I am fast approaching THE BIRTH. 

These last weeks proved to be tougher than the initial weeks. I got diagnosed with this pregnancy rash called PUPPP. read more here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pruritic_urticarial_papules_and_plaques_of_pregnancy

This rashes been spreading quite bad and worst thing it itches. so sadly aside from stretch marks, am gonna have scar marks. Boo boo...I really tried to stop myself but itch proves too much. 

lil Emmanuel been growing and making his presence known all day. Such an amazing feeling, even till date whenever he moves I still get an aww.... feeling. Really thank God for this miracle Baby into our lives.

However Dr Fong also diagnosed another condition called placenta previa for me. 

Read more here- http://www.babycenter.com/0_placenta-previa_830.bc

He still monitoring the situation...giving us till Tues to evaluate if there is any improvement on the placenta. If no...then most likely we need to get lil Emmie out by week 38 which coincides with Papa V's bday. Why week 38, coz any closer risks me going into labour n potentially loosing lots of blood. Worst case scenerio if complication arised, will be me loosing the entire womb. So let's see the verdict coming Tuesday. Been praying to God for natural delivery, & no complications, so now can only have faith in Him. 

Past few weeks been happening. We prepped more baby stuff and my confinement stuff. As usual our style, last minute. Realized I don't have a friggin mattress and covers for the lil one. So need to quickly get that sorted before wk 38. Btw our helper has arrived, her name is Ely. So far been a great help around the house keeping it neat n tidy. So hopefully when the lil prince arrived, all is good. 

Will update here again on the verdict. Pray for me n lil Emmanuel ....am really getting nervous... 

A pic here of my stoopid rashes, it's actually a lot worst than this but I can't maneuver the camera with a ball stuck in front of me. 

At 31 weeks...and counting

Wow this week visit was nice....saw lil Immanuel kicking away and finally out of the breech position. 

Placenta still midway...still praying hard that it will move up....I have till 37 weeks...

This visit I had 3 questions for Dr Fong...

1) circumcision for the lil one

Ans- done by a PD. Will not be done by him

2) confirmation of his gender 

Ans- clearly saw his pair of balls...so guess yes it's a boy

3) can I take long journey on the road? 

Ans- Johor area not a problem 

lil one weighs at 1.5kg....and growing well. For me..so far okie. Weight issues under control...need to eat more vegs

Saw lil spider veins...abit worried....

I finally told V about my concerns about having too many people in the house during my confinement. Was such a relief. 

K just trying to document as much as I can recall....haha....next time I see u...on Boxing Day... 

memories are made of this pregnancy

Wow pregnancy does weird things to your body. During my first trimester, i had these super weird dreams. then it stopped. 

Now that i am in my third trimester, it came back. So far from ghost buster to star wars to some sci-fi movie set, super bizarre i swear. I wake up feeling super disoriented and weird times wish the dream can continue. Am waiting for dream of my kdrama hunks, thought i should have a scene with LMH given the fact i have been faithfully watching him.

Been talking to Mr V about what kind of parenting should we adopt. I mean like showing him some random articles and asking him what he thinks. I think he is too chill. Here i am like thinking every other day if i will be a chill spontaneous parent or a super KS aunty parent, there is mr V doing the whole chill shit.

Post the 1-sided conversation, i thought deeper into what he said. Guess its just that control freak in me that is trying to anticipate all sorts of scenarios in my puny mind. And that stresses me out. Looking at my own sis & bro, plus my own group of 'parent' frens, it is really different strokes for different folks. 

just rantings on a Monday afternoon...yawnzzz

Moving along to 28 weeks...Lil Immanuel is the size of a large eggplant this week

With 83 days more to go...along with occasional panics and anxiety...yes lil boy is growing and making his presence felt.

Last night i had an amazing dream & a rude awakening to that with a damm blardee leg cramp. Anyway quickly before i forget the dream content, thought i document it out.

I think i saw lil Immanuel in my dream. It was some sort of a chase, i think i was in some supernatural ghostbuster group and pregnant with lil Immanuel. During one of the chase, obviously i had to pop lil one out. But the thing is i had absolutely no recollection of the birth process only the fact of the aftermath once i woke. When i woke up, apparently the baby that was presented to me - Tyson Tan was NOT my baby (obviously given the tag was a TAN). hahaha ...but i remember clearly his features and it was all as i desired except he was super tan! hurhur...

anyway i remember being shocked and worried oh no where is lil Immanuel. Was he kidnapped by bad guys or something? hahah and the next moment someone wheeled him into the room and there he was swaddled comfortably. K tricky part is i don't remember exact details of his features, BUT i remember it was not what i expected. He was healthy but had small eyes. Think hair was a tad sparse. After that onwards ....it was a blurr and then i think i got interrupted with the damm leg cramp!!! boo...

But hey i think it was a damm pretty good dream. hahaha..ridiculous but quite nice! Its like i had a crystal ball and i swear he felt so real to me!!! 

k i think i managed to document most of what i remembered liao!!! Poor V ...also had a rude awakening coz he had to help me with the damm cramp considering he was out entertaining till 3am. 

Well lil Immanuel, i pray you continue to grow well inside mummy. Remembering that mummy, daddy and Jesus love you always. We pray you will be blessed with Jesus character and mold in his godly image. Amen.

And of coz continue to bless my pregnancy and the impending delivery. Let it be natural..... Amen to that too. 

At 27 weeks....

This week I still see u at breech position. Hope you lil one is comfortable inside mummy's womb....

dr Fong told me my placenta a tad low but least I am managing my weight well. 

I had a chat with papa V and he finally shared the name and verse of what Jesus told him of our lil boy. 

Quite sweet verse...and so lil one shall be named Immanuel!!

Add parallel

Isaiah 7:14

King James Version (KJV)

14 Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.

Anyway ....D day approaching fast. Am left with less than 90 days ...sense of panic....anticipation....excitement....weirdness....all encompassing...can be over whelming. I sometimes feel so alone....it's scary...

Well I managed to attend pre-natal class with mr V. Well feel so depressed at the amount of stuff I need to eat. Gosh....wish I can take all these stuff without literally eating it. Like can inject or something... Lil boy...must stay healthy n handsome okie...

Daddy n mummy love u heaps...n of coz Jesus loves u too.... 

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I have no patience

Been a while since i rant about work. And today i need an avenue to rant and i can't find any other place to rant.

Anyway I have been tagged with this planner of mine for the past almost 2 years. Well firstly when under the first boss he was the pet, hence he kind of got promoted very quickly even though his skills are lacking. I personally feel he is not equipped yet to deal with a planner role yet. Of coz final promotion decision did not lie with me. Hence he was promoted despite my better reservations.

I mean he is not a BAD worker to be honest. He is good natured at heart and genuinely tries to do his work to the best he can. However in June he suddenly request for sabbatical break of 2 months. Citing he needs to find his work mojo back, & that he needed to find back himself. So he made his point to the management and again it was decided that he will be given that much needed break of 2 months. 

Again not about being a bitch but seriously after 2 years of working he is telling me he needs farking sabbatical. That is BS. Truly. I mean i have been working for almost a decade and i had never taken a friggin sabbatical before. Does that mean that i am a workaholic or have no other aspirations? I don't get kids nowadays. I really don't. 

The worst thing is now that he is back from his 2 months break, i expected a fresher person but he seems more chui than before. And i hate that. I mean come on you have friggin 2 months to do nothing, jolly well get your farking act together and work. I told him being a planner means he is more senior and that he needs to carry his weight and able to anticipate things. But he is telling me he is used to taking instructions, i was like then you might as well be an executive. Arrggghhh. 

Sometimes i talk to him it seems that whatever i say is not registering in his head and it disturbs me. He always just give me a friggin blank look which i hate. I really do. I mean whatsup with this boy. V told me i have to be soft and more encouraging to him. Like say more words of praise rather than reprimanding him. I am like but he had not done stuff that is deserving my praise. Isn't fake praise worst?!? V said basically just change my tone of voice. -_- geeez 

Gosh it is really irking me and i don't know what to do. Maybe i should change him off. Get the executive and leave this planner over to Adtitya. Let him & myself have a fair share of change of environment, so he can feel more confident about himself. Will bring it up to mr Orhpeh on Monday when i see him. 

Guess thats all i can do for now. 

K thats all for today. Sign off....

Trying to make sense of it all....Blessed that i am seeing you at 23 weeks

Wow...so fast another week zoom past.

This week to Dr Fong was so so only. Lil Emmanuel growing well but the mummy is growing exceedingly well! Boo...am at 67.2kg when i should only be 65kg. So I must go back to controlling my weight gain, back to carb-less, salads and small little meals.

Wow past week, alot of things happening. I felt the little one more pronounced at letting me know he is inside me.I moved into my new place. We bought MORE bb stuff aside from stroller - Like inquiring maid services, bought my breast pumps, random baby clothes & socks & talking more to the lil one.

The whole prepping to welcome this lil fellow is serious biz. I mean initially i can joke like its surreal and all. Week by week, seriously I feel a sense of panic especially at night when i lie there quietly trying to fall asleep. I hate the fact that i am not in control of the situation - like delivery date, the quality of the confinement lady, the way the baby is going to behave, the way I AM gonna behave.

I hate not knowing all of these prior to the arrival. Like now i don't have any specifics and i hate that. Sometimes i feel like i am all alone feeling the weight of this lil one. V is like absorb in preparing the house, and i am the vessel holding the lil fellow. So detached and weird. Blame it on the hormones but i really feel like screaming out at V. Haiz..no rhyme or reason.

I don't know if i am ready to handle the change. I can't envisioned me saying goodbye to my own- time and spending all waking hours coo-ing & ahhh-ing to this lil fellow!! Am i normal for having such thoughts? Sorry my dearie lil Emmanuel for having that thought. ><

Haha Natie was so sweet...she told me will organize babies playgroups where we can house the babies together while the adults can have reasonable sane conversations. Aww...look fwd to that...

k enough ranting for today ....eve of Haji...no mood to work ....;P